Today’s soundtrack:
“A Dios le pido” de Juanes
“Te dejo Madrid” de Shakira
“No hay igual” de Nelly Furtado
“Eres mi religión” de Maná y Zucchero
After years of practicing in front of the bathroom mirror, I am finally ready to deliver my Academy Award acceptance speech.
The applause is deafening. She rushes up the stage to accept her statue. She is wearing a beautiful gown that the head of Joan Collins said was “a tasteful homage to the most delicate and polite Edwardian age”. Adrian Brody hands her the statue, kisses her á la Halle Berry, and leaves her in front of the microphone. The clock is already counting down from one minute.
“Wow. Wow. I’m speechless. This is such a surprise. I never thought that my little screenplay would be able to make it this far. I didn’t even write a speech. This has been something that I’ve been working on for years. Okay okay the clock is already counting down. So of course I have to thank the producers – Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks –, the director – the incredible Rob Morrow –, all the cast and crew: Gwyneth, Viggo, Angelina, and my dear Dame Judi Dench. It was an incredible experience to work with you all. I want to thank my parents and my family, but moreover I want to thank my Grade 4 teacher Mrs. Parker. Ooh no, I only have 30 more seconds. I need to thank my friends back home. Oh! To the other nominees, let me just say it is just such an honour to be in the company of you, Ms. Streisand, and of you, Mr. Allen. Don’t put your baton up yet, Mr. Conductor Man. I mean it. Put it down. Now.”
She glares intently at the conductor as the music begins to swell, his baton waving wildly in the air.
“Oh you asked for it, you cocky little bastard!”
She jumps off of the stage and into the orchestra pit, waving her Academy Award above her head and screaming like a banshee. Adrian Brody is heard to gasp offstage. The camera pans to Julia Roberts. “I did that first,” she yells to her husband of 6 hours, Nicolas Cage (it’s the 7th marriage for both). “I yelled at the conductor man first! She’s stealing my thing! My gimmicky anger actress thing!” She then smiles her big toothy grin for the folks at home. Cage is seen to be signing annulment papers.
It’s strange, but every time I’ve rehearsed this in the mirror, it’s always ended with me swan-diving off of the stage towards the conductor.
Could it be years of resentment being surrounded by musicians?
ReplyDeleteTsk tsk. What will the head of Joan Collins say about your Edwardian dress now, my dear?!
ReplyDeleteMy speech always ends by stuttering so much that a big wad of spit flies from my mouth and lands on the lense of the main camera and America realizes I've just spat on them and then I am run out of town, tarred and feathered in a strange return to old timey mob behavior.